It is with tears that we come to you today, discouraged and wearied by the loss of another little one, but confident in God’s deep grace and reassuring love.
Since so many of you have invested in the life of this tiny baby, we wanted to give you a brief update as to what has been happening these past few days.
As many of you know, this has not been an easy week for us. It’s been exhausting both physically and emotionally. I’d like to thank all of you who have spent time this past week interceding on behalf of our family in prayer.
Last Wednesday, my doctor sent me to the hospital due to some “miscarriage warning signs.” I spent the day in the ER waiting on blood work, an ECG, and ultrasound results. (Meanwhile Alistair ate orange hospital jello and flirted with the nurses for Winnie the Pooh stickers.) After several hours of waiting, the doctor told us that we were experiencing a “threatened miscarriage.”
This diagnosis is given to any woman who experiences cramping and bleeding during the first trimester (approximately 20-30% of pregnancies). While statistics vary slightly, approximately 50% of women with threatened miscarriages go on to have healthy, full-term babies while the other half begin to miscarry shortly after. In order to know which category we fell under, we had to simply wait.
On Thursday morning we were called in for another ultrasound – the results of which were “consistent with fetal demise.” The doctor, however, urged us not to give up all hope as my HCG levels (a hormone that is used to detect pregnancy) had increased. While it was a slim chance, there was still a possibility that the ultrasound had simply been unable to detect the heartbeat. He asked us to return for a follow up ultrasound and blood work on Monday morning.
The weekend was long and physically painful. While we didn’t want to stop fighting for this little life, it was becoming abundantly clear that our prayers were being answered in a different way.
This morning (Monday) we went in for a final ultrasound and were given official confirmation of what we already knew: we’d lost this baby.
Experiencing three miscarriages in a row has been extremely discouraging and draining. Four out of our four pregnancies have included loss and grief; but while we are currently feeling emotionally exhausted, we are using this time as an opportunity to draw nearer to God.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
We are also very thankful for the ability to have known and loved this little one, even for such a short eight weeks. This gift of love is worth any tears or pain we feel in the parting.
During each of my pregnancies, Alistair has always been very certain about the sex of the baby (and we have named our miscarriages accordingly). When we discovered that we were pregnant for the fourth time, we asked Alistair whether he wanted a sister or a brother. He was absolutely adamant that the baby inside mommy’s tummy was a girl and refused to budge from his assessment. We tried to warn him that it may be a boy but he refused to accept it, “Not a brother! A sister!”
While we have never known the gender of any of our miscarried babies, I have always felt that we have been given a very specific name from God for each baby. The word “Kära” and the name “Björn” had never previously crossed my mind until we started miscarrying – and then it was as if I couldn’t get those names out of my head!
This time, I strongly felt that the baby’s name was to be “Ebba.” Another sweet, little girl.
And so, another baby has gone to be with the Lord. (We’re starting to build up quite the welcoming committee!) We continue to trust that God will lead, guide, and shape our family. Leaning into the Father’s embrace, we mourn but remain thankful for the precious children He has graced us with. We remain appreciative of your continued prayers for healing and strength; and are beyond thankful for the love and support you have all shown us over this past week of difficulty.
“Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.”