Strapped into the five point harness of my baby stroller is a mini superstar sucking on a dinosaur soother.
That’s right – I have been given the highly sought after and seriously underpaid job of chauffeuring a little celebrity around town in my Graco buggy.
At least, I’m pretty sure there’s a celebrity in there…
Because how else can you possibly explain the unfathomable amount of attention given to the tiny human chewing on a toy giraffe?
Anytime we leave the house, we have to tack an additional half hour to our schedule for spontaneous “meet and greets.” We barely make it out of our apartment elevator without being mobbed by a herd of cooing grandmas and cross-eyed strangers pulling silly faces. And forget about the days of messy ponytails, sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt – my little passenger ensures that there is no longer such a thing as running a “quick errand without seeing anyone.”
Clearly the only plausible conclusion is that I’m carting around a blue eyed, button nosed, internationally recognized superstar.
I’m never sure exactly which celebrity is cozied up inside my little, red, jogging stroller but peer into the bucket seat and you’ll most likely find one of these four, milk-drunk, Cheerio inhaling, celebrity personas:
The Vogue Fashion Model:
Swinging by the mall to grab some mini velcro sandals and new onesies, we’re lucky to make it ten feet before being stopped by a claustrophobia-inducing crowd of women who gush admiration into the stroller.
“Look at those eyes!” “He should be a model!” “Have you ever seen such a smile?”
The little flirt strikes a pose and decides to show off his best asset by propping ten, adorable baby toes up against his cup holder. With a twinkle of his blue eyes and a well-timed gummy grin (Hmm, I always thought modeling required more teeth?) we’re off to buy some more diapers, leaving a cluster of swooning, broken-hearted women in our wake.
Other days, I have the honour of showing the Supreme Pontiff around the grocery store. People literally fall over their feet to touch his soft cheeks, tiny fingers and chubby little feet. Wide-eyed shoppers beg to touch his hand; a woman in the snack aisle crosses herself and says a prayer over him. For some reason, my passenger remains oddly quiet and, graciously accepting this attention lifts his hand in silent farewell.
Grammy Grannie Award Winning Singer:
With the unparalleled ability to sing at ear deafening volumes, this celebrity has learned that going on tour from the front seat of his buggy is the quickest way to attract new fans. Sure, his vocals may need a bit of work before releasing his next album but as long as he doesn’t start performing his overly dramatic rendition of “Cry Me a River,” we can entertain fans for hours.
And just when I think that we may be able to spend a day incognito, I end up chartering around a little Rockstar.
Disguised in a pair of cool shades and a sun hat, my celebrity companion and I head to the park for a relaxing day trip away from his adoring fans. But it’s no use; they still recognize him. I watch as people try to casually sneak selfies with the pouting star in the background.
Note to all “stealthy” paparazzi: We can see you. And if you try to take another picture, this mama-chauffeur turned bodyguard may snap your iPhone in two and wrap it up in a diaper. I’m not kidding – I don’t want to see those photos on the cover of some celebrity gossip rag.
So, shout-out to all the other exhausted mommas carrying around curly headed, stampede inducing, celebrity babies. Sometimes you just want to skip the two hour, special guest appearance and buy a pint of ice cream without it puddling in the bottom of your shopping cart. Because seriously, how many times do we have to answer the same interview questions? (No, he’s actually twelve months old. Yes, he’s small for his age. Thank you, I think he’s cute too.)
But for now we’ll put on our best Kate Middleton smile, Instagram as many of these celebrity moments as we can, and soak up our remaining few months of fame. Because let’s face it, they’re only famous for a short while – once they hit the terrible twos people start running in the other direction.